Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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