the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
