I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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