this beer tastes like vomit already
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
