Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can't turn off my feet"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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