I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
