mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
