i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
