I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
