If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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