i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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