But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize