just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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