I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
