this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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