I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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