Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize