I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
