I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
