Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
