Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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