Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Im part way to drunk.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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