The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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