Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
