Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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