i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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