i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
