Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize