I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
