Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
