You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
