Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
