i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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