another moral hangover. fuck.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
