The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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