hotel room ftw
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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