So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
