I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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