Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
