Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
