Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
