I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
