My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
