I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
