i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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