Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
