It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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