and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
