I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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