thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
