I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
