Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Randomize
