Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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