I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize