wakey wakey hands off snakey
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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