It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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