omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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