i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
