I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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