btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
