DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
